hmph.

I'm not sure what is happening here, but I am trying.... TRYING to let it happen. I have zero going on in the creativity department ... or so it feels. I have been in my studio for over 5 hours this morning and my accomplishments include this wildly unattractive now mustard colored canvas, that developed when my swirly yellow, red and purple just wanted to mush into one......and no still yet, no go get'em post that wants to be born onto this page.  I have cleaned, cleared, re-organized, purged, swept, saged and even sanded... and still I feel stuck.

I am scatter-brained about the grocery store, impending travel, pets, offspring and a myriad of other dailies... I am short tempered and continually apologetic for this behavior and I the deeper I try to delve into the whys and what-fors... the more lost I become...  I feel that I could (and at times do) make any excuse as to why I do not or cannot do task a.b. or c. Mostly, at the end of the day, it feels like (is) a poor excuse for what I didn't WANT to do. Yet, no one is stopping from doing what it is I want to do... they are fully encouraging it...

I just have no idea anymore what that is. The possibilities are endless, the lists are long and the support is huge... and I am facing a wall.

Comforting Possibilities... and uncomfortable ones too

(google image)

For months now I have been tip-toeing about my space... my new home, my children (just to be honest... sometimes I stomp through that path without much grace, but not to get side-tracked...), my creative needs and my ability to be comfortable with *MY* possibilities....

Everything seems to frighten me on some base level. I'm not writing about the boogie man or shadowy figures lurking ready to pounce... yet? I am. The land we've invested in, the house we've moved to... our home... the possibilities are seemingly endless and I have filled them up with put this here and that there and we'll do xyz in this part here.... and well, we are working at something most all the time.... all the time. It's hard work, it's rewarding and I feel great pride in the improvements, the new things we've learned... and yet?

I journeyed with Yemaya recently... if you aren't familiar with this gracious, soulful Goddess, I recommend you look for her in your travels. Stephanie Anderson Ladd's new book In the Lap of the Goddess describes her like this: Yemaya, the Creator goddess from West Africa. She is a mermaid who helps you get in touch with your True Self through dreams, ideas, and creative self-expression. What I discovered was...

... I have all the physical tools to do many different types of things that my right brain thinks and wants to do... whether that be painting, encaustic arts, food processing, gardening, photography, graphic arts.... and yet... stymied, stuck, paused. It's uncomfortable. To step out of this shell and into the realm of I could possibly fail.... it's uncomfortable to be afraid.

This morning when I got up, for the second time this month I've had rabbits near my garden. This is a comfort in a few ways... one, because they're cute as can be (and far enough that I'm not worried for the few things that are flourishing!), and two, my neighbor with an over active .22 hasn't shot them... "just because," and lastly they encourage me... they venture out into this open area, my area... there are 3 of them and they bask in the morning light, eat breakfast and then scurry back into the forest when ready... or when I've made too much noise. These furry family members (even if they don't know it) remind me that to get to the things you want... you have to step out of the darkness of the forest and into the morning light of possibilities...

Life, Love... and that big huge number

Isn't she lovely...

My life is filled with love and joy from good people, great family and a few friends who I am very fortunate to be surrounded by. I am tumbling rapidly into my 4th decade and this walk has been a bit more tumultuous than I anticipated since the new moon arrived. I welcomed this moon with a bit of abandon and perhaps that was a flawed approach, as now I am hesitant and a perhaps even bit surly as the fullness of my moon approaches. I am uncertain where or why the surly has joined the party, and I will do some exploration of that very soon... nerves perhaps... all this energy that surrounds me... so many possibilities, so much undone that needs doing... so many good things on my horizon... like this and this! Not to mention, the revamp the house here will be getting soon with new paint and fencing for the dogs (or more accurately to calm our neurosis) !

The pendant above arrived on Monday with a Good Karma ticket and even more love than I have words to express. A very dear friend, with the kindest soul, a heart that gives without thinking what comes next and a love that never stops gifted me and I haven't taken it off since it arrived! Thank you again Kathryn Marie... you are awesomely amazing.

When it just doesn't come together...

I started this blog a bit ago and it was flowing wonderfully... words spurting forth, fingers flying and a smile sitting nicely upon my face... I had a small feeling of warmth in that sweet little spot... you know the one.... when something is just *right* ....

then

...the house woke with a cacophony of barks from the dogs as a cranky sleep deprived teen brought pups with boundless energy bouncing.... and snap! The quiet peaceful sounds of my morning gone. Summer is in full swing and I failed to find a solid routine for "ME" time... it isn't uncommon. It is what I do...or rather, what I don't.

All those words of where I had been, done, seen, vivid descriptors of the happenings that had happened, the upcoming possibilities, hopes... now sit in a voided space, feeling like a cluster of dangling participles searching desperately for their long lost objects to flatter and describe...

Frustrating and odd all in the same moment. Frustrating because I know that I should be able to separate myself, at some point during the day/night... I mean, I didn't have a problem leaving for work these last 20+ years... what's different now? Why is it I can't carve out two hours a day for me? I should be able to... but I haven't and I'm attaching my own guilt and allowing interruption. Odd because I know the steps on how to overcome these obstacles. That in itself adds even more ... for a girl who says guilt and obligation are words that should not exist in familial settings... I certainly have been allowing them to sit council with me often.

I am easily distracted.
I am easily frustrated with myself.
I am an over nurturer.
I am not easily satisfied (or ever) with my own product... regardless of what this means (cooking, cleaning, art-ing, gardening, shopping, driving, photography)
I am tired of being the bad guy.
I am a perfectionist for some fairly strange things (like don't take my inside brooms outside and cleaning my cast iron pans....) note the *my* cast iron pans....

This post was not supposed to go this direction. I sat with the new moon this morning. She rose at 4:15am EST. I was staring at an alarm clock at 4:15 which had another hour before it sounded... at that point, I was awake, but hadn't braved waking the 3 dogs who sleep under my bed... After the Girl left for work at 6, I took myself down to my garden, my lovely morning ritual ... although the garden too, is hellbent on teaching me something new this season!! I often walk without my shoes, but took time this morning with my feet in the ground, soaking up what was initially the morning coolness, the damp earth feeding my peppers and tomatoes. As I wandered, my feet warmed with each step... sinking a bit deeper in spots, the silty loamy soil warming my feet, massaging my toes, above my ankles.... it was exhilarating and for a while I sat with this feeling, eyes closed drifting gently with the sounds of hawk, jay and crow waking around me.

And what I heard....

I am in the exact place I am supposed to be.