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July 1, 2011

When it just doesn't come together...


I started this blog a bit ago and it was flowing wonderfully... words spurting forth, fingers flying and a smile sitting nicely upon my face... I had a small feeling of warmth in that sweet little spot... you know the one.... when something is just *right* ....

then

...the house woke with a cacophony of barks from the dogs as a cranky sleep deprived teen brought pups with boundless energy bouncing.... and snap! The quiet peaceful sounds of my morning gone. Summer is in full swing and I failed to find a solid routine for "ME" time... it isn't uncommon. It is what I do...or rather, what I don't.

All those words of where I had been, done, seen, vivid descriptors of the happenings that had happened, the upcoming possibilities, hopes... now sit in a voided space, feeling like a cluster of dangling participles searching desperately for their long lost objects to flatter and describe...

Frustrating and odd all in the same moment. Frustrating because I know that I should be able to separate myself, at some point during the day/night... I mean, I didn't have a problem leaving for work these last 20+ years... what's different now? Why is it I can't carve out two hours a day for me? I should be able to... but I haven't and I'm attaching my own guilt and allowing interruption. Odd because I know the steps on how to overcome these obstacles. That in itself adds even more ... for a girl who says guilt and obligation are words that should not exist in familial settings... I certainly have been allowing them to sit council with me often.

I am easily distracted.
I am easily frustrated with myself.
I am an over nurturer.
I am not easily satisfied (or ever) with my own product... regardless of what this means (cooking, cleaning, art-ing, gardening, shopping, driving, photography)
I am tired of being the bad guy.
I am a perfectionist for some fairly strange things (like don't take my inside brooms outside and cleaning my cast iron pans....) note the *my* cast iron pans....

This post was not supposed to go this direction. I sat with the new moon this morning. She rose at 4:15am EST. I was staring at an alarm clock at 4:15 which had another hour before it sounded... at that point, I was awake, but hadn't braved waking the 3 dogs who sleep under my bed... After the Girl left for work at 6, I took myself down to my garden, my lovely morning ritual ... although the garden too, is hellbent on teaching me something new this season!! I often walk without my shoes, but took time this morning with my feet in the ground, soaking up what was initially the morning coolness, the damp earth feeding my peppers and tomatoes. As I wandered, my feet warmed with each step... sinking a bit deeper in spots, the silty loamy soil warming my feet, massaging my toes, above my ankles.... it was exhilarating and for a while I sat with this feeling, eyes closed drifting gently with the sounds of hawk, jay and crow waking around me.

And what I heard....

I am in the exact place I am supposed to be.

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