November 30, 2012

I am...

I make lists... long lists of "to-do's"... this isn't that kind of list... except it is, sort of.
  • I am addicted to sugar: raw, processed it doesn't matter... I just need (note the NEED) & do to consume mass amounts of sugar
  • I am a procrastinator (like a Ninja skilled/trained procrastinator)
  • I am afraid (of success... of failure...)
  • I am sad and then: I am frustrated that I am sad
  • I am angry with myself
  • I am a fixer of others
  • I am weak
  • I am stubborn
  • I am the mama and all that goes with that
  • I am the cleaner of pee on the floors
  • I am unemployed (as a source of added income) b/c being mama is a job that I do love, just doesn't pay the bills... pays the heart =)
  • I am worried about money most all the time... no, all the time.
  • I am over-weight, by my rather loose standards
  • I am out of shape... a fast walk around the farm and I'm out of breath and need a nap
  • I am tired.... of all the negatives
  • I am a "bad" student  (ie: not doing the work, not following simple direction)
  • I avoid confrontation
  • I am unhealthy/weak both mind and spirit
  • I am unhappy with myself
I want to adjust/learn/encompass a consistent practice to alleviate or minimize the lax behaviors...

  • I don't know how
  • I need someone to hold me accountable to me... because 
    • I am not

November 26, 2012


I have been wanting... trying... thinking about posting... then, when I sit, prepared to write... the interrupters arrive and my time - shot, mood is blown, the rant, rave or write has escaped the holding pen.

Over the last several hours I made the wild and crazy decision to add photo-blogs.  A sort of month in review... was a little interesting, a lot heartbreaking... and a good reminder of the events that were so crushingly important at the time.  I have spent the last 5ish months fully emerged in becoming an Esthetician.  It was a whirlwind education and experience.  I am scheduled to take the state board testing and very excited about this new path.  I am hopeful it will bring some light. 

There is no brief synopsis of the summer and early fall events, to fill you in... We "got" two new kitties, gave the little grey one to a spunky little neighbor of ours, kept a little girl who became known as "John Charlie Sheen Stamos... is a girl" ... JC, Jr.... she touched all of us in a very short time... she was adventurous, rowdy, curious and loveable... demanding as kittens can be, but we're suckers here... and we love demanding.  Devastated does not adequately describe the heart-ache for our pets as they cross over.

Abigail disappeared in May... MoJo became ill and passed in June
Elphaba decided to climb a tree... for 11 days... she came down, an emaciated frame...5 months later, she is just now adventuring to the forrest again, almost at full weight.

Arizona, fine on a Tuesday, passed on Friday after 2 days at the Vet ICU, he had been shot 9 times with a BB gun, the vet couldn't find a treatable "reason" for his decline... only those 9 BBs. He was the best friend my Girl could ask for... the grieving is in full bloom here still... we all miss him so much... Then JC only a week later... we are raw, protecting our remaining pride with every ounce of our abilities.  

Joe the Goat...has been frumpy and lethargic for the Black Friday weekend... today he seems a bit improved, which is damn good because I was about to get out the caster oil :/ yuk... positive thoughts and energy appreciated.  

The chicks are well... averaging 8 eggs a day still!  We will add more in the spring to our chickery... unsure if we will have a roo again... (we relocated 3 of the 4 to a free-range family home... )Pauly, well he was courageous and kept all his hens in line and safe for as long as he could... RIP Pauly.

The puppies are escape artist, and we now have quikrete around 95% of the fencing, attempting to keep them in the yard and away from our less than friendly neighbor (who owns the BB gun... and other "real" weaponry) .... I have a lot of thoughts on this, better kept in my head I think... =/

The rest of the tail waggers group are an incessant cacophony of licking, chunching, pooping, digging... furry loves.

I get lost in the furry & feathered love that surrounds me here in gorgeous rural North Carolina... we mourn for those who left our blue farm... I imagine them now, doing tricks, harvesting havoc and watching over us.

August... 12