Holes

I reach out, I journey, I'm on my knees, I'm in the dirt, I'm behind the lense or tapping the keys... and then I'm back in my hole. It feels fake, I feel dense and hard when I am used to being maleable and fluid... The women share, tell stories that are familiar, offer bits, ask for pieces & still I don't fit, I fight. When I don't fight, I flail. Finding myself feeling abandoned and lost and willful even. Torn, at times- condescending and angry other times emotionally attached, engaged, enthusiastic, motivated and thriving?? and fizzled ... angst, frustration...growling with I don't know what..a sort of primal guttural sound...  a need for WHAT?!!... while, I have been on some sort of roller-coaster hiatus for months now.




I feel like a spoiled child when there is such abundance and graciousness that surrounds me... and I sit ungrateful, floundering. I have anything I could need, everything I could want? (within reason) .... and here I am, each day... waking up with intention... it's a spiral descent and remarkably fast somedays ........... rabbit hole. I do not know where to go from here.