Beginnings

The mornings are beautiful & my internal clock chimes with the chickens, often before the sunrise.

The wild flowers have began to blossom in earnest, 

And... beginnings of something completely new are afoot.

Over at Bella's Week One of the 52 Photo's project is open and these were a few of the shots taken this week that fit right in. 

Holes

I reach out, I journey, I'm on my knees, I'm in the dirt, I'm behind the lense or tapping the keys... and then I'm back in my hole. It feels fake, I feel dense and hard when I am used to being maleable and fluid... The women share, tell stories that are familiar, offer bits, ask for pieces & still I don't fit, I fight. When I don't fight, I flail. Finding myself feeling abandoned and lost and willful even. Torn, at times- condescending and angry other times emotionally attached, engaged, enthusiastic, motivated and thriving?? and fizzled ... angst, frustration...growling with I don't know what..a sort of primal guttural sound...  a need for WHAT?!!... while, I have been on some sort of roller-coaster hiatus for months now.




I feel like a spoiled child when there is such abundance and graciousness that surrounds me... and I sit ungrateful, floundering. I have anything I could need, everything I could want? (within reason) .... and here I am, each day... waking up with intention... it's a spiral descent and remarkably fast somedays ........... rabbit hole. I do not know where to go from here.

Not one whimper.... really.

Ever had one of those times (I have many) where you have no idea what you're doing... where you're going... or why anything at all is (or isn't) happening.

I've been completely dissatisfied with everything lately. So much so that, I have found not one photo I want to blog, one piece of writing I want to post, one whine I want to whimper.

I am for the sake of getting back to blogging... posting this piece of crap vomit in my mouth a bit blurb. Simply "For the need of writing and putting it out there..."

I am doing the ...how did that phrase go, it's in a journal someplace somewhere, I wrote it down... damn... well anyway, it went something along the lines of..."writing sucks" and... "90% of being creative is sitting your ass in a chair and just doing it" ... or some such thing like that. Reality is. I'm neither being diligent in my writing or creative in my world. I am, and have been in a creative vacuum.  I'm a freaking void. I can't tell you what my best friend is doing... do I have a best friend? (I would apologize for that, but my dog can't read, and I don't feel very friendly... I did just pat Bella on the bum and tell her I loved her tho... Bella *is* my greatest dog ever)

Here goes:

Aminal update .. We have six new chicks who are delightfully doing what baby chicks do (make poo) and cheap super sweet songs to make me smile ... the dogs are feeling out done by this and have moved their dig site to beneath the stairs in attempt to become ankle breakers and not only intricate canal designers/vole hunters.... Superstar Goat's Charley and Joe have determined they should only dine upon the blueberries bushes when out and about in the yard (which does not bode well with the new growth on the berries!) Retreating only for honey-nut cheerio's; go-figure.  As for the kitten-cats, one would assume that they would turn the barn into a ClubMed of sorts, enjoying the comforts and spoils that came with repurposed blankets and a newly designed spacious bedding system... Alas, not.  Our trusty adventurers have split nails, abscessed pads and who knows what got stuck in that tail?! The menagerie want attention all there own, even if it must start on the negative. Tis all good and fine though, we heal, we pet, we love it all... and in return, we are rubbed against, purred too, kneaded, and slept upon.  It is love in its purest form.

There is a laundry list of "to-do's" which isn't difficult... just never-ending, barn repair, coop building, any one up for replacing the water heater?, do we have an electrician in the house??, an extra field hand would be beneficial and I can't tell you the last time someone mopped the floor, but if you're around and wanna tackle that chore, I can promise good eats for ya when you're done!

I have been writing in my journals, rather than journalling online... I have been dabbling in my art, rather than investing in the art workshops I've invested in, I took some "time-off" from being on-line and I can't decide whether that was good or not... or if I'm done with being "off" or not... I'm rather irritated with almost everything I see, dissatisfied, perhaps that's a better word? Hibernation was the term I was using around the house. I thought I would come out of it with the comings of Spring... but I can see Spring, she is near... and I can't feel myself wanting to blossom or perhaps I don't feel like I've planted my seeds... and technically, I haven't planted a damn thing. Well, save the few herbs and a bundle of onions. ... I don't really count the perennials.

On a soul-level... my field is barren. OK, guess that's it for now. Peace out for today. Hopefully it won't be two months between posts again.... I need to get my ass in gear. Someone have a boot?

A day in the life...

theBoy... and the way we groove

Ash from the 5-18, 1980 Mt.St. Helen eruption, still makin' the classroom rounds, thanks Aunt Marti!

Rain and driving = Happy me

North Carolina sunscapes from the front yard

This morning I woke up with a thing. One of those I can't quite remember what it was ????!! .... things. Do you know what I mean. It was kind of following me around all morning. Teasing me with a pinch here or there, distracting me from things I should be doing... but then, I've been fairly distracted for weeks.
  (Prepare for a very long run-on sentence :) I love these...)
I can't keep track of things, I make lists that are never completed... the making of them, not the doing you see..., I've lost several items of random importance, ie: the back to my cell phone (why was it off?!)... only to be found days after the replacement was paid for and received in the post a week later..., the very best way (sing it with me) EVVAAAH to torture a teenager in the world... my coupon binder... I'm devastated, as much of a love/hate relationship as I have with that thing, it's a lot of work to keep up, but totally worth it at the check-out, GONE... *poof* cannot find this thing anywhereeee,  these are only small highlights from the previous few weeks and don't include the typical lost keys, wallet, glasses, you get the idea....


So this thing, this morning was just a shrug sort of. An up and down simple shoulder shrug statement of what the effff. :/